Teenage troubles

I have a son who is 15 years old. I had him out of wedlock, but not out of the will of God. My pregnancy opened my eyes and I saw that I needed a relationship with the Lord. I turned my life over to him at that time and I have not regretted that decision since. It has been rough, but I have many books to write as a result of my experiences.
I sacrificed much to raise my son by myself while his father was in school pursuing his education. Our relationship is pretty nasty and one full of negative emotions and hurt feelings. You see, I was victimized by the words that he spoke to me. He was very disrespectful to me and other women. Now I must write the disclaimer that I am not a perfect person. I am constantly on the potter's wheel being perfected.
My son has my heart. He is a very intelligent and quick witted young man who is not without his problems. He was a well-rounded young boy in the past as he has been traveling to the west coast to visit relatives on his own since he was five years old. He learned to be very responsible through those experiences and I hope that he will not forget them when he is older.
I got married when my son was 13 years old. I had not been seriously involved in a relationship all while he was growing up, so there was never a man around. My son did show signs of jealously and resentment toward my husband in the early phases. My husband had some issues too. I had to minister to my son that this is life. I was not going to put my life on hold until he left the house; however, I wanted him to know that he was not replaced and that I would not toss him aside for my husband. I had to do the same for my husband.
Last December things came to a head. He was doing badly in school and was showing signs of rebellion. There were girls and signs that he was smoking cigarettes. He had friends that I did not know anything about, neither did I know their parents. He was coming home late and stressing me out. He did not seem to want to respect the rules of the house and his behavior was contrary to the peace that we are trying to keep in our home. It was obvious that he needed his father. I prayed and believe that God was instructing me to release him to his father's house. My son made it clear that he did not want to go. I had to trust God with the situation . They did not have the same belief systems that we did. They did not go to church or pray together as a family, that I know of. He also moved his younger girlfriend in the house and they had a baby together along with her 4 year old. I prayed and travailed over the situation and felt a lifting of the burdens that came with it. My son was in the will and hand of God. He was going to have to go through in order for God to get through to him. But, I was not prepared to handle what happened next.
You see, he began to not only keep dealing with the girls, but he was experimenting with marijuana and alcohol. Even though I know that my son was not doing it regularly, his motives for doing it was what concerned me. Yes, there was peer pressure involved. I taught him better than to do something because everyone else was doing it. But, he saw relief when he did those things with friends. He disclosed to me that his father was harsh and threatening to him. He spoke of a lot of negative comments that were said to him. He used a lot of profanity around my son. He said that the drugs and alcohol made him cope with the stress at home. Wait one minute. Not only was my son using wrong coping mechanisms, but his father was doing to him what he did to me years ago. He did not see that it was not healthy for our son to be exposed to his negative comments and put downs. He did not see a problem with our son not getting counseling to help him with coping with stress. It is time for me to bring my son back home. His father is online looking for tickets as we speak. We can't agree on how to help our son. He refuses to get him counseling. I refuse to take his verbal abuse and judgements. What is best for our son. He needs to be home where he can get the support he needs.
I say all of this to say that I don't regret being obedient to God by sending him to his father's home. I do not doubt that he learned 'something' while he was there. And though I disagree with his tactics in child-rearing, I see clearly how to not mess up a child's life. Listed below are a few of my own tips. Feel free to comment on y0ur own.

1. Unconditional love is important. Your child should know beyond a shadow of doubt that you do. It is hard with teenagers, but it is our responsibility as parents to make it happen.
2. Affection is important. Is that the same as love? I don't know. Correct me if I am wrong. Some of us didn't get a lot of this growing up or any at all, but it need not be perpetuated in our own children. Hug them enough. It may get on their nerves, but too bad. It is necessary for all human beings.
3. Discipline is very important. There needs to be consequences when a child misbehaves.
4. Consistency is important. Whatever discipline you implement needs to be reliable for every offense.
5. Encouragement is essential. Your child needs to know that you believe in him and that you are his biggest fan. Encourage him when things are good and do the same when things are bad.
6. Listening is important. We miss a lot of cues because we are so busy talking. If your child feels as though you listen, they will feel comfortable talking to you, especially if you leave that door open.
7. Don't judge. There will be a lot of messing up. Discipline, but don't judge them for their behavior. That is up to God. You could even discuss with your child some of the things that you did wrong and how you learned your lesson. We are still messing up as adults.
8. Support is important. If your child wants to explore an area extracurricularly, support it as long as they are being responsible with it and showing committment. If we give our kids something constructive to do, they will have little time for trouble.
9. I should have listed this first. Pray for your children and rely on the leading of the Holy Spirit in how to direct them. God will give us insight into our children's natural bent and then we can train our children up in that direction. When they are old, they will not depart from it. It is in the bible.

There are many other things that I am sure that I am leaving out. This is what was on my heart for now. I have already contacted my Pastor and he has agreed to be there for us with the counseling and we have the support of the men in the church. I will go up to the local High School and get my son enrolled in summer school and see if I can get him a study skills course as well. I will be sure to update you on the progress of my son. He is going to be okay!