Showing my Wounds

Some will probably wonder how someone like myself could write different things on blogs while in the midst of horrible experiences in life. I don't write with selfish intentions. I write to hopefully spread some kind of wisdom to other mothers who are in my same shoes. I read blogs to get the same that I am looking for. So, I write to you about something that is very personal and very delicate. I pray that this never happens to you, but I know that God is working it all out for our good and he is preparing us for another level in him.
About one month ago, I left home early in the morning to be a model in a hair show/demonstration. My husband took care of the baby while I was gone. I returned in the early afternoon very exhausted. My baby was sleeping, so my husband suggested that I take a nap. I took his suggestion. I woke when he left for work and took the baby down to his high chair to feed him. After a while, I noticed that he was not playing with his right arm. I called his pediatrician and she instructed me to take him to the emergency department at the children's hospital. Long story short, my precious baby had a fracture in his forearm. My husband went over and over the details of their day and he did not notice the baby behaving strangely or being cranky. He did not drop the baby or remember any instance when the baby fell. Israel was a very happy baby who did not cry much. We anticipated his needs and it has worked out in our favor. I noticed the baby's arm was warm to the touch, which indicated that the fracture was hours old. It did not happen while the baby was with me. We were crushed and emotions filled the room in the ED. The Department of Children and Family Services got involved and it resulted in our baby being removed from our home for 4 days. For 4 days, we did not eat. For 2 days, I could not pray or worship. I was not mad at God. I was not asking God, "Why?" My mouth was shut up and I was experiencing deep depression. After many people interceding for us and after I heard my baby on the phone, I got off the bed and began to cry out to the Lord for help. I did not blame my husband or accuse him of intentionally hurting our baby because I knew that he did not. Everything that he told the investigators that happened, they said that it could not have resulted in the injury. Everything that I told the investigators that happened while my baby was with me, they said could not have resulted in the injury. Our baby was returned to us after 4 days, but not the way that we sent him. He came back to us minus a few pounds, smelling like a dirty house, and wearing very bad looking clothes. What in the world? We were just so happy to see and hold our baby again that we just kept our mouths shut and did not complain.
Now we are dealing with the police department investigating us and trying to get me to incriminate my husband. First of all, if I thought that my husband would do something bad to our baby, I would have thrown him to the wolves, even though I love him dearly. You cannot mess with my children and think that I am going to cover for you. If I thought that my husband was covering up an accident, I would have encouraged him to come clean with it. It would have been easier to deal with an accident than to deal with the reality of not knowing what happened to your baby. And that is our reality. We just don't know how the injury occurred and that is very bad. While that is bad, we have submitted our all to God and we trust that he is going to work this situation out for his glory. We have prayed and fasted and have had every person that we know who prays to pray with and for us.
We are very cautious now, but we refuse to walk in fear. The enemy is trying hard to keep us from our destiny, but he is a defeated foe. We have the victory in this case and no devil in hell is going to tear our family apart again. Thank you for reading. God bless you.

Teenage troubles

I have a son who is 15 years old. I had him out of wedlock, but not out of the will of God. My pregnancy opened my eyes and I saw that I needed a relationship with the Lord. I turned my life over to him at that time and I have not regretted that decision since. It has been rough, but I have many books to write as a result of my experiences.
I sacrificed much to raise my son by myself while his father was in school pursuing his education. Our relationship is pretty nasty and one full of negative emotions and hurt feelings. You see, I was victimized by the words that he spoke to me. He was very disrespectful to me and other women. Now I must write the disclaimer that I am not a perfect person. I am constantly on the potter's wheel being perfected.
My son has my heart. He is a very intelligent and quick witted young man who is not without his problems. He was a well-rounded young boy in the past as he has been traveling to the west coast to visit relatives on his own since he was five years old. He learned to be very responsible through those experiences and I hope that he will not forget them when he is older.
I got married when my son was 13 years old. I had not been seriously involved in a relationship all while he was growing up, so there was never a man around. My son did show signs of jealously and resentment toward my husband in the early phases. My husband had some issues too. I had to minister to my son that this is life. I was not going to put my life on hold until he left the house; however, I wanted him to know that he was not replaced and that I would not toss him aside for my husband. I had to do the same for my husband.
Last December things came to a head. He was doing badly in school and was showing signs of rebellion. There were girls and signs that he was smoking cigarettes. He had friends that I did not know anything about, neither did I know their parents. He was coming home late and stressing me out. He did not seem to want to respect the rules of the house and his behavior was contrary to the peace that we are trying to keep in our home. It was obvious that he needed his father. I prayed and believe that God was instructing me to release him to his father's house. My son made it clear that he did not want to go. I had to trust God with the situation . They did not have the same belief systems that we did. They did not go to church or pray together as a family, that I know of. He also moved his younger girlfriend in the house and they had a baby together along with her 4 year old. I prayed and travailed over the situation and felt a lifting of the burdens that came with it. My son was in the will and hand of God. He was going to have to go through in order for God to get through to him. But, I was not prepared to handle what happened next.
You see, he began to not only keep dealing with the girls, but he was experimenting with marijuana and alcohol. Even though I know that my son was not doing it regularly, his motives for doing it was what concerned me. Yes, there was peer pressure involved. I taught him better than to do something because everyone else was doing it. But, he saw relief when he did those things with friends. He disclosed to me that his father was harsh and threatening to him. He spoke of a lot of negative comments that were said to him. He used a lot of profanity around my son. He said that the drugs and alcohol made him cope with the stress at home. Wait one minute. Not only was my son using wrong coping mechanisms, but his father was doing to him what he did to me years ago. He did not see that it was not healthy for our son to be exposed to his negative comments and put downs. He did not see a problem with our son not getting counseling to help him with coping with stress. It is time for me to bring my son back home. His father is online looking for tickets as we speak. We can't agree on how to help our son. He refuses to get him counseling. I refuse to take his verbal abuse and judgements. What is best for our son. He needs to be home where he can get the support he needs.
I say all of this to say that I don't regret being obedient to God by sending him to his father's home. I do not doubt that he learned 'something' while he was there. And though I disagree with his tactics in child-rearing, I see clearly how to not mess up a child's life. Listed below are a few of my own tips. Feel free to comment on y0ur own.

1. Unconditional love is important. Your child should know beyond a shadow of doubt that you do. It is hard with teenagers, but it is our responsibility as parents to make it happen.
2. Affection is important. Is that the same as love? I don't know. Correct me if I am wrong. Some of us didn't get a lot of this growing up or any at all, but it need not be perpetuated in our own children. Hug them enough. It may get on their nerves, but too bad. It is necessary for all human beings.
3. Discipline is very important. There needs to be consequences when a child misbehaves.
4. Consistency is important. Whatever discipline you implement needs to be reliable for every offense.
5. Encouragement is essential. Your child needs to know that you believe in him and that you are his biggest fan. Encourage him when things are good and do the same when things are bad.
6. Listening is important. We miss a lot of cues because we are so busy talking. If your child feels as though you listen, they will feel comfortable talking to you, especially if you leave that door open.
7. Don't judge. There will be a lot of messing up. Discipline, but don't judge them for their behavior. That is up to God. You could even discuss with your child some of the things that you did wrong and how you learned your lesson. We are still messing up as adults.
8. Support is important. If your child wants to explore an area extracurricularly, support it as long as they are being responsible with it and showing committment. If we give our kids something constructive to do, they will have little time for trouble.
9. I should have listed this first. Pray for your children and rely on the leading of the Holy Spirit in how to direct them. God will give us insight into our children's natural bent and then we can train our children up in that direction. When they are old, they will not depart from it. It is in the bible.

There are many other things that I am sure that I am leaving out. This is what was on my heart for now. I have already contacted my Pastor and he has agreed to be there for us with the counseling and we have the support of the men in the church. I will go up to the local High School and get my son enrolled in summer school and see if I can get him a study skills course as well. I will be sure to update you on the progress of my son. He is going to be okay!

Another day to think about elimination communication

It is obvious that I am officially a stay-at-home mom. Two years ago I would have never thought that I would say that about myself. Two years ago I was not pregnant and had a thirteen year old son. I was driven by making money in the corporate world, even though I made them more money than myself. So, today, I am home with my son and realizing that I like it better. I was impressed by a comment that another blogger made to me regarding EC. I was convicted because I did not give it a try. Indeed, there is no pressure here on me or my son. I will either be successful or I will not.
Today, I am going to go out and buy a very simple potty. I am going to set a goal to eliminate one cloth diaper a day. I will start out with the first morning diaper, although sometimes my baby gets up before us and plays quietly in his crib. I don't know if I will be successful reading his facial expressions because this baby has a poker face. Wish me success in this new thing that I am not sure about. I will keep you all up to date while I try and I am going to purchase the book I saw on the blogger's page. God bless!

Elimination Communication

Today I want to talk about elimination communication. This is also referred to as IPT or infant potty training. I took interest in it because I was looking for ways to cut costs and was just curious. Really, there would be no savings because we use cloth diapers. I am a partially green mom, in that my concern is more about my home environment. At any rate, I was shocked by what I found on the topic. When I Googled the topic I went to the first website and basically stayed there. That website is http://www.naturalfamilyonline.com/.
I learned a few things. It is best to implement the IPT in the first window, which is 5-6 months. After which, there are other windows at 8-12 months, 18 months, and 24 months. My baby is 8 months, so I read on. What you have to do is notice the elimination time patterns in relation to meals and awaking from sleep. Your baby must wear a cloth diaper with no plastic pants, or go commando!!! So, my first question to that was, will my house smell like urine? Once you figure out these patterns and study the baby's response to wetting and pooping, then you anticipate these movements and sit the baby on the potty. I even read that the parents sit on the toilet and sit the baby on their lap. That grossed me out. You have to be prepared to clean up urine and poop off of the floor and furniture or bedding at any time. You can also use baby signing to teach the baby how to communicate with you when he or she is wet or needs to use the toilet.
One thing that I read that I could appreciate was about our response to the smells of poop and pee. I agree that we should not make a big deal about how bad things smell around the baby because the child could notice it and become stubborn or use it against you in some way. I stand corrected because my little one has us making wretching noises and strange faces with some of the stuff he is off loading in his diaper. We will work hard to do better. Elimination will be a natural thing in our household.
There was a whole lot of things mentioned about the potty training process that I will not mention. I have decided that we will go with the flow and not push early training with our baby. It is just too much work. It would be okay if I had a maid doing all of the cooking and the cleaning. But, I don't. I feel that this IPT would consume all of my time because I would have to study the baby and look for signs that he is getting ready to pee or poop. I am trying to run a home-based business and I do dedicate a few hours a day to it. Our baby will let us know when he is ready to be trained. What do you think about IPT?

Cloth diapers

My husband and I made the decision to use cloth diapers when my baby was a few days old. However, I did not have all of the knowledge necessary to start off . I looked for cloth diapers in Target, Walmart, and Babys R Us and could only find the kind that you usually use as burp cloths. There were no pins and plastic pants. I had heard of diapers with velcro strips which would be my preference. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis when I was 24 weeks pregnant and manipulating pins would have definitely lead to me sticking myself and the baby. I wanted the diapering experience to be enjoyable and not traumatic.
One day I was in Target shopping for baby items and stumbled across a little blessing. Bum Genius cloth diapers! Whoo Hoo! What made this diaper so genius was many things. There was no need for plastic pants on the outside. There were microfiber liners that you insert on the inside of the diaper, which absorbs 15 times it's weight in water. When the diaper is soiled, you simply remove it and wash it. Now, there is a little more labor involved when using cloth diapers. We have a sprayer attached to the toilet which we use to get all of the poop off of it. We remove the liner and rinse it as well. All of the soiled diapers go into a lined diaper pail in the bathroom. I soak them in cold water and wash them in hot water every other day. One important factor here is that you cannot use the traditional laundry detergents on these diapers, which is cool with us. We already use ecofriendly, toxin-free products in our home. No adjustment was necessary there.
Now, Bum Genius diapers are not cheap. They are about $18 each. I bought 15 of them in bulk on http://www.cottonbabies.com/. It was cheaper than buying them one at a time in Target and cheaper than buying them on the company website. By the way, Target stopped carrying them around the third one I purchased. They were very scarse in the store. Overall, I have paid for them already in that I have not purchased diapers in a long time. Please note that if you have a child that urinates a lot, they may not keep them dry at night time like a traditional disposable diaper does. I have had to change the sheets on my baby's bed a little more often, but I don't mind. Also, you may need to change your baby a little more often than the regular diaper. But, who cares. You are not throwing these away. You can use them again when you are done washing them. Another benefit of using cloth diapers is that studies have shown that the babies potty train a lot sooner because they feel the wetness much more than in a regular diaper. The last benefit that I will mention is that these diapers are reusable for any new babies that come into your household. as long as you take care of them.
Another diaper that I love is a cross between a disposable diaper and a cloth diaper. This diaper is called a G diaper. The diaper has a cloth outside, a plastic insert, and a disposable liner. What is neat about this diaper is that the liner is flushable. Yes, you flush this diaper down the toilet. There is a proper way to do it. You don't fill up any landfills with this one. The liner is completely biodegradable and breaks down completely in your sewer system. You can reuse the cloth portion, but the plastic insert may need to be changed. This diaper is a few dollars more than the traditional diaper, so you will not save money here. It is a way to save the earth when you are traveling outside the house and you don't want to carry around soiled cloth diapers or use regular diapers. You can Google this diaper to get more information.
To hear more information about the eco-friendly laundry products, you can go to http://www.saferforyourhome.com/. You can purchase the products through my business and even start one of your own. The products are a lot cheaper than what you would buy at Whole Foods, Wild Oats, and other health food stores. Visit my website at http://www.healthybizathome.org/. Thanks and God bless!

Intense Fellowship

I remember one day I was in the kitchen holding the baby at the breakfast table. My husband and I were having a discussion about something that was rather intense. I cannot remember the topic. All the while, my 8 month old son was in my lap playing with a teething ring and was oblivious to what we were saying, at least I think so. Well, as the discussion went on, the intensity increased and the volume of our conversation went up a couple of notches. We weren't yelling. We were just both passionate about our cases and were determined to see our viewpoint get across. That is when I noticed that my once occupied child was looking up at me with those beautiful little beady eyes and the look was of fear and insecurity. It broke my heart. I lowered my voice, which in turn prompted my husband to lower his. I hugged and kissed the baby and he began to carry on with his task of conquering the teething ring.
So, it is very important to save heated discussions for a time when your children are not around. Set a time and place for these discussions or take your children to another part of the house where they are safe and happy. I do believe that you should be real with your children, but to an extent where they still feel safe, happy, and loved. I hope this helped.

Caring for Baby: Pearls of wisdom from my experience

I learned something interesting from my little 6 month old baby. You see, I have him on a schedule for eating, which is somewhat flexible. He has a bottle of formula every 3-4 hours. He eats two vegetables a day, and cereal in the morning and at night. He is a very hungry baby and is a good eater. I anticipate his feeding times by having bottles prepared in advance. I warm up the bottle as soon as I see or hear that he is beginning to stir. Most times, I get a small whimper out of him and he is satisfied once he gets the bottle. There are times when you won't even know that he is awake. I go, pick him up and feed him, he burps, and then he gets changed.

Now, Dad is a different story. I have the advantage of having a 15 year old son and previous child rearing experience. Daddy is a new parent, but comes from a different cultural background and wants to feel his way through this process, rather than being told what to do and what not to do. He doesn't like to feed the baby on schedule and when he finally feeds the baby, my son is crying hysterically and has difficulty feeding. Hubby then has the opinion that he is spoiled or being difficult. If baby is sleeping, he will let him sleep until he wakes up, even if it renders him far from the plan. As a result, feeding times are often difficult with him and the baby reacts much differently when he sees daddy coming versus mommy. My little one smiles and laughs when he sees me coming. We spend time together playing and bonding. And I make sure that I anticipate his needs and learn his cries. Thanks Dr. Dunstan! When baby sees Daddy, he cries very loud and hysterical to let him know that he really needs to eat. There is not the peace that we have in our normal routine. I don't have a Ph.D in child psychology, nor am I a pediatrician. I am a Mom who has had to raise a male child alone for 13 years. I have experience and wisdom, not tooting my own horn, from very difficult times and challenges. I also learned from the positive experiences as well. I studied every book I could study to make sure that I would not mess him up. I think I did a pretty good job. The purpose of this is not to bash my dear loving husband. The purpose is to help others not to make the same mistakes that we make. We learn from our mistakes and we pass them on to other new parents who are looking for testimonies and answers to their questions. So, I am going to make a few suggestions that I think one will find useful.

First, does the baby respond to regiments and schedules? If so, do things on purpose. Anticipate the needs of your baby and meet them. Set alarms if you have to. You will build trust in your baby and he will not have to perform to get what he needs. You can't spoil your baby. There will be so much more peace in your life. Second, is your baby more relaxed and easy going, or do you feed on demand? If so, you still have to anticipate the baby's needs by interpreting the cries and being prepared. This baby may eat 4 hours one time and then 2 hours the next, and so on. There is nothing like organization. It will reduce the stress in any situation. Third, don't criticize your husband's tactics in caring for the baby, if you disagree. Rather, point out what you do like that he does. Praise is important. For instance, my husband is very thorough with the bathing and diapering. I know my baby is clean and protected. I tell him often that I appreciate it and I compliment him on how clean the baby looks and smells. Don't mention the things that you could care less for until you have delivered the positive. It is all in the way you serve it up. After I compliment my husband on what I like, I then tell him what I do with feeding that really works for me and the baby. Perhaps, you can suggest a trade off. You each can take responsibility for the thing that you do best more often. Encourage your husband to try your suggestion and take note of the changes that he sees in the baby when he does. Praise him again when you see it happen. He is not a puppy, but who doesn't like praise! God requires His praise all the time. We need it a little. Maybe even solicit your husband for things that he doesn't like that you do, but be prepared for the emotion behind that!

Finally, remember that you will create memories for your children when they learn to trust that you will take care of them and not leave them cared for. What you do in infancy will make it easier when they are toddlers and up. Here is a great example, my oldest son had a bath and a snack every night from a young age. We read a book, and we prayed together. As he got older, I never had to fight with him about personal hygiene, he loved reading, loved to pray, and he would still go for the snack from time to time as a teenager.

The most important thing is that your baby needs your unconditional love even when you or the baby are having an off day. Don't feel bad about getting a sitter for a few hours if you feel overwhelmed with the responsibilities. Step away, take care of yourself, and come back to give your baby all of you. I hope that one will find one pearl amidst the words that will help them improve relationships with hubby and the children. Be blessed.